By now you have heard countless stories and read numerous articles and blogs about depression, and now you are here. So if I do have any readers, and you want to move along, please do. But I am going to bear my soul to you, get real with you, and say things that you may not want to read, or will not get because you don't have what I have.
Depression - it is a feeling of sadness, and a roller coaster of emotions. The perfect example happened to me tonight. I was at my best friend's house playing games with a lot of people, and I was ecstatic, happy, over the moon delighted to be there. I was laughing, making jokes, singing, and being my "old self". The drive home was not as much. I was in my brain, thinking, over analyzing situations and things that had no point of being there. I was upset, on the verge of crying, and wondering what was the point to life. I get home, and I am instantly happy, I am in my castle, my slice of heaven.
No, I am not suffering from bipolar disorder, this is something 100% different than depression. These "mood swings" are a constant sign of depression. Is mine worse than others? I am not sure, but it is a big deal to me. What may not be a big deal to some, may be a huge thing to me.
My depression is also unfortunately mixed with anxiety. I have been diagnosed with anxiety in the past, but now I have depression. Yes, I a medicated. My medication serves as a help for both issues. I try to have a positive, happy outlook on life always. I never have suicidal thoughts like some depression sufferers do unfortunately have. Some days are worse than others, sometimes getting out of bed is the hardest. I give myself a pat on the back for getting out of bed on most days. I do have things to look forward to, I do have a great support system, but sometimes - those things do not matter.
I live in constant fear that I am being judged by others, losing my friends, and this depression does in fact make me gain weight. This weight gain is a tremendous factor in the depression getting worse. Nothing like feeling upset and anxious about life, and adding in self esteem and body issues along with it.
Am I working on my issues? I am doing what I can, I go to the gym, I eat right, I have medication, and like I stated earlier, I have a great support system.
I use Harry Potter references a lot, but I love this series. Since most of you have at least seen the movies, let me use a reference. Yes. I have referenced this in an earlier blog post, but let me bring it again.
*SPOILER* (if you haven't seen Harry Potter at all, then you are under a rock!).
Remember in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban where Sirius and Harry are by the lake, after they leave the shrieking shack and Lupin turns in to a wearwolf?,Well, a sea of dementors comes in and tries to suck the happiness out of Sirius and Harry, until future Harry's patronus is conjured and saves them. Do you remember the look on Sirius's face as the dementor is trying to suck the happiness out of him? That is what depression feels like to me. It is honestly they only visual I can give you to my mind.
The best advice to give to people who don't have it and don't know how to "handle" a person with depression is this:
- Sometimes all we want is to hear ourselves talk out our issues, actively listen. Don't just "hmhm, oh yeah?" to our issues.
- Sometimes we don't want to talk at all and just want to sit in a room with you and do nothing, or everything. Just let us be there with you.
- Let us be negative, sorry if we drain you, but this is our "sickness".
- Don't blame friendship issues on "your depression". True story on my end. It does not help us feel better.
- We want to be happy for you, but sometimes it is hard for us to show it, especially when we are going through our own issues. We do love you, just sometimes we cannot show it.
- Sometimes we just want to be alone, and that is okay.
For my friends with depression - it is okay to be sad, it is okay to not always be strong, it is okay to be alone, it is okay to say no. What is not okay, is letting others make you feel like you are a disease. You are so much more that that! You have the potential to be whatever you want to be.
If you have not received help, it is okay to do that. No one has to know. But please, seek help if you need it. I did. I would not be where I am today without the doctor helping me out. You are not weak for this, you are strong for this!!
Until Next Time.
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