About six months ago I wrote post about living with depression and bore some of my inner most thoughts. Well today it has been about 1.5 years since I was diagnosed with depression, and 2 years since my boob job - they are not related I promised.
Why do I mention my boob job - well it helped my self esteem, but there was still a part of me that was not happy. So I went to the doctor and got diagnosed.
Winter is the worst season for me. I am not sure if it is bad for anyone else. But it always has been, no matter the time of the year, the festivities, the people I am surrounded with, I usually just slap a smile on my face and go with the flow.
Here is what I am going to forewarn you about - I am not a hermit. A hermit is someone who never leaves their house for any reason. I am too broke and too young to be a hermit. However, I do love to be a home. I am a homebody.
In the winter the days get shorter and it feels like night time can last for hours. Then when the sun comes out, I feel nearly upset that it came out because I know it going to go away after a few hours. I go to work in the sunrise, and I leave in the sunset. I miss those summer days when I could go out to work in the sun and come home in the sun. I miss the warmth of the days, the pool, reading in the park.
We cannot dwell on those past activities, it is fall/winter and we need to find some enjoyment.
With depression, that is harder.
They say, go to the gym - you get endorphin's. Did that. Still blue.
I was at a high then I dropped to such a low in such mere minutes. I wanted to cry, I am not bipolar, that is a different mental illness that many suffer with.
Sometimes we just want a bath, with a book, or music, and to just let the water nourish our body. Well we means me, and now I am talking like Golum.
I am stuck in a never ending blackness as the movement of the earth continues to turn. Yet I still smile and nod and go onward and upward.
They say, did you take your meds? - Yes. But it is not a magic pill, it helps, but it does not cure it.
They say, you need to date! - No. I can be independent, I just need understanding friends in my life. A man to date would be a positive bonus.
They say, lose weight - you don't think I've tried? I am working on it everyday. Just some days are easier than others.
They say, pray and read your scriptures - I know I can find the comfort I see, but sometimes you have to go through the physical motions of just letting yourself feel this down. It always passes. At least for me.
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